The Joker Is Wilde
by The Crim
Summary: Nicholas P. Wilde is the undisputed prankster of Precinct 1... until Judy announces that she will prank six officers in less than 24 hours. Nick insists that he can't be gotten, but he's up against a particularly sly bunny. Inspired by a classic M*A*S*H episode.
1. On The Bunny Slopes

An alarm clock buzzes in a darkened room in the Grand Pangolin Arms boarding house. And buzzes. And buzzes.

"Rabbit!" yells Bucky through the wall. "Wake up!"

The room is still. The alarm drones on.

"Fox!" yells the kudu. "Fox, wake up the rabbit!"

Something stirs under the covers.

"Fox! FOOOOOOOOOOOX!"

A vulpine paw reaches out and hits the snooze button. Nick rubs his snout against the ears of the greatest bunny in the world. "Bucky says to get up."

Judy stretches under the covers and pries her eyes open. "We shouldn't have stayed up so late."

"We had to make peace." Nick kisses her neck. "What time is it, Carrots?"

"Too early!" yells Pronk.

"Thanks."

Judy crawls out of bed and slips on a sweatshirt and sweatpants. "My turn to get coffee."

"Is it really?" Nick flips over and hugs the pillow. "I swear you got it yesterday."

"Nope."

"Hey, I'm not complaining!"

She grabs her keys and wallet and leaves the room. Nick sits up and rubs his face. Ever since their coffee maker broke, they've taken turns running across the street to Snarlbucks. It's a bit expensive, but when your married life plays out at the Grand Pangolin Arms, you've got to grant yourself a few luxuries.

Judy taps on the door with her foot. Nick yawns and lets her in. "Thanks, room service. There's a penny on the table."

"How generous of you."

She sets the two coffee cups on the desk as Nick massages her shoulders.

"Say, which one's mine?"

"The one with 'Nick' written on it."

"That's a shocker." He picks it up… the paper sleeve isn't warm. Hmmm. Nick pops the lid and holds his paw over the coffee. Yep. It's tepid.

"Are you serious?"

"What?"

"This is a cold calfucino! Why didn't you send it back?"

"I didn't notice!" She gives him that look of phony innocence Nick's come to recognize.

"Okay. I appreciate a well-conceived, well-executed prank, but _this_ is just lame. The cup tipped me off before the drink ever came close to my mouth."

"I don't know what you're talking about!" She takes the cup from his hand and sips. "Delicious and warm!"

Nick rolls his eyes. "Now you're trying too hard. A good prank has to…" His ears perk up. "Oh! I am _so_ on to you, dumb bunny! Despite our extensive making up session, you're still angry and you thought you'd get back at me for yesterday. Well, Carrots, it's not going to work. I can't be gotten! Especially by lukewarm coffee."

Judy furrows her brow and huffs. "You bet I'm still mad! Logging into my laptop and messing around with my presentation slides was not funny! It was invasive and humiliating and honestly, it was quite mean!"

"If it wasn't funny, why were the students laughing so hard that the principal had to end the assembly early?"

She shakes her head. "Why did we ever hustle each other into getting married?"

"Apparently to provide you with a sense of humor."

Judy pulls off her sweatshirt and changes into her uniform top. "I'm not speaking to you, Nick."

"Alright. Your attempt to prank me was a good effort. I'll give you that. But you're up against a master confox. As adorable as I find your cute little jokes and schemes, you'll never be able to top a hustler who's had on the job experience for decades."

"I said I'm not speaking to you!"

"You just did!" He points. "Got you."

Judy crosses her limbs and sits on the bed, facing away from him.

"I'm not speaking to you either." He grabs a towel and throws on his robe. "Because I'll be down the hall in the shower."

When he returns, Judy is fully dressed, sipping her coffee with a grin.

Uh oh. That isn't a good grin.

"Carrots?" Nick pulls on his pants. "What are you thinking about?"

She rubs her chin on his chest. "I'm thinking about how I married the slickest, slyest fox in the world."

"No you're not. You're up to something. And I'm pretty sure I'm your mark."

She blinks. "I haven't the faintest clue what you're talking about."

* * *

Chief Bogo stands at the podium in the bullpen. "Assignments are the same as yesterday. One additional item: Dr. Ebbingmaus from the University of Zootopia Hospital will be conducting your annual psych evals today and tomorrow."

"Oh, I know him!" Judy whispers to Nick.

"Was he the one who sent you to the funny farm?"

"Ha. He did a talk at the Academy about managing stress in a police career. Really smart guy. I had a chance to chat with him afterwards... "

"Shut it!" Bogo yells.

"Yessir!" Judy yells back with a salute.

"I've posted your meeting times with Dr. Ebbingmaus on the board. Questions? Comments?" He looks at Nick. "You always have something to add, Wilde."

"No concerns, Chief. I'll let any shrink pick my brain. What do I have to worry about?"

Judy cups her paw inside of his. There's only two times she does that— when she's showing him her complete trust, or when she's sarcastically telling him that he's a jerk.

She's up to something for sure. But even though Judy is an accomplished hustler in her own right, she isn't nearly as practiced or skilled as her fox. Whatever she's got coming for him, he'll be able to see right through it.

* * *

After an uneventful morning shift of highway patrol, Judy and Nick return to Headquarters for lunch in the cafeteria. The food is miserable at best, but the cafeteria is the ideal place to catch up on the precinct gossip.

"Which do you recommend?" Nick asks the leopard server. "The flavorless boiled cabbage, the flavorless boiled potatoes, or the flavorless boiled lasagna?"

"Stop joking around and choose something!" Judy pokes him with her tray.

"The more I joke, the more appetite I'll build up and the more tolerable this crap will be."

The leopard slops a pile of cabbage on his plate. "Here. Take it."

"Ah, yes. 'Take it'. What all great chefs say when they serve their finest creations."

Nick scans the room for a table. Judy catches up from behind with a plate of boiled carrots. "I can't wait to hear you gloat over it with the other cops."

"Gloat over what?"

"Your so-called prank!"

"I never _gloat_ , Carrots! I revel in my own foxy gloriousness."

"What's the difference?"

"Verbosity."

"Hey Nick!" Wolford waves his paw, seated by himself. "Over here! We got plenty of chairs!"

Nick and Judy face each other at the table, although Judy stares at her plate as if she were by herself. Wolford slaps Nick on the back. "So I heard about what went down at that school. It must have been freaking hilarious!"

Nick waves the idea away with his paw. "Aww, it was nothing. I've done better."

"Can I sit here?" Francine points to a chair with her hoof.

"Sure you can, if the chair holds up," says Nick. Wolford laughs, and Judy kicks Nick under the table.

"That was so rude!"

"Really? Carter found it funny!"

"Oh! Judy!" Francine lifts her trunk. "I heard all about yesterday! I wish somebody had brought their camera!"

"Actually…" Nick pulls out his phone.

"NO!" Judy tries to snatch it out of his paws, but Nick tosses it to Francine, who catches it with her trunk.

"It's the latest video on there."

Judy grabs her head. "Nick! Don't! Why would you do this!"

Francine calls up the video and lowers the phone so Wolford can watch. Nick gets up from his seat and squeezes between them.

"You have to skip ahead a bit. It starts right around the two minute mark..."

They watch Judy pace in front of a classroom of fourth-graders, describing the different ways police officers help the community.

"Here's the first time it happens. It jumps to the 'Time for Questions' slide. Watch her face."

In the video, Judy presses the presentation clicker. The screen behind her advances to the wrong slide and she continues talking with a smile, unaware. Then she turns around and startles.

"Look at that little bunny hop!" says Wolford.

"She's adorkable!" says Francine.

Judy plops her face on the table.

"How's it going, gang!" Clawhauser forces his way into the group. "Ooh, somebody told me about that! Was it your idea, Nick?"

"One-hundred percent."

"HA! I love it!"

McHorn presses himself next to Francine. "Dang! I thought nobody would dare prank Hopps!"

"Apparently, somebody dared." Nick sends a smug grin Judy's way. She clenches her paws.

"Wow. You ought to get a promotion or something."

"Seriously," says Wolford.

"Amen," says Francine.

"Let's hear it for Nick!" shouts Clawhauser. "You are one fearless fox!"

"What is this!" bellows Bogo. The officers scramble to sit down. "Standing around gossiping over a video! I ought to send you all reprimands!"

He takes a seat at the head of the table. The other officers stare at their trays with solemn faces. Judy sits up straight. "Thank you, Chief."

"But I won't. Because Wilde already showed me the video and it made my day." He barely manages to suppress a smile.

The officers exhale in relief. Clawhauser giggles and high fives Nick.

"That does it!" Judy pushes herself up onto the table and assumes a fighting stance. The officers lean back in surprise.

"Hopps! Get down!" says Bogo. "You're standing in Woolford's pecan pie!"

"Fox, honey?" She shoots Nick a mischievous look. "What time is it?"

Francine slides him his phone. He checks it and stares up at her with apprehension. "12:14."

Judy looks the officers in the eye one by one, finishing with Nick. "In twenty-four hours, I will have successfully pranked each and every cop at this table. No exceptions."

A moment of silence. And then the table bursts into laughter.

"No way!"

"How are you gonna prank a rhino?"

"Or an elephant?"

"I sit and face the public all day!" says Clawhauser. "How are you supposed to prank _me_?"

"You wouldn't prank your own boss now, Hopps?" Bogo wipes his face with a napkin. "That wouldn't look too good on your record."

Judy chuckles to herself. "I know you don't believe me. But I will. If I can write two hundred parking tickets before noon, surely I can prank six cops in twenty-four hours. That averages out to be one prank every four hours! Easy peezy."

No one laughs.

She jumps off the table and takes her seat. "Bunnies are also good at dividing." She smiles at Nick.

"Well put. Very dramatic. But you forgot something." He leans his head on his paw. "You can't get _me_. It's impossible. I grew up on the streets. I know every hustle in the industry, and I'm pretty darn good at watching my back."

"Oh, you _will_ be gotten." She takes a bite of boiled carrots. "Just like everyone else here."

"Right. You simply cannot get me, bunny. If that happened, the universe would implode and we'd all die in a contraction of the space-time continuum."

"He's actually right," says Francine. "Nick's got great vision, great smell, and pretty good hearing. You can't sneak anything past him."

"Thanks! So we're in agreement here."

"Yeah." Wolford scratches his neck. "Like, what happens if you don't prank everyone? Six of us in one day? That's a pretty bold claim you're making, Judy."

"There has to be some sort of penalty," says McHorn.

"We could make her do the tiger dance from the 'Try Anything' video!" says Clawhauser.

"And wear _glitter_." Nick sits back and folds his limbs.

The table groans. "That's going too far, bro!" says Woolford. "Glitter never gets out of your fur."

"It doesn't matter." Judy grins. "All six of you will be gotten, so I'll never have a chance to do the tiger dance to begin with."

"So much certitude from such a cute little bunny." Nick puts his paws on the table and gets in Judy's face. "Carrots, you're going to fail. Hard."

"You sound pretty certain yourself, Slick." She presses the tip of his nose. "What if _you_ have do the tiger dance after I get _you?_ "

"That'll never, ever happen."

"You sure?"

"Absolutely."

Judy offers him her paw. "Then those are the terms!"

"Okay." He shakes. "But the only officer with glitter on at 12:14 tomorrow will be Officer Judy Hopps!"

"I doubt it." She hops out of her chair. "By the way, the twenty-four hours just started. You've been warned." She picks up her tray, returns it to the kitchen, and struts out of the cafeteria.

The table watches her disappear down the hall. "I wonder where she's going," says Clawhauser.

"Wherever it is," says McHorn, "it isn't good."


	2. Let The Pains Begin

Nick finds Judy texting in the lobby right before the start of their next shift. "Where've you been hiding, Officer Hopps?"

She puts her phone away quickly. "What makes you so curious?"

"Might have something to do with you being my partner, maybe?"

They walk side by side across the lobby toward the patrol car lot.

"If I patrolled Zootopia by myself there's a good chance I'd be arrested for impersonating an officer. I let you stick around to keep me honest."

"I doubt anyone can keep you honest for very long."

"What if I told you that underneath this thin veneer of sarcasm and impudence I'm actually an earnest, hard-working citizen? That I'm only pretending to be a master confox?"

"Pretending to be a hustler, Slick?"

"It's possible."

"That would make you a hypocrite. A fraudulent fraudster!"

"Except those double negatives would make me the real deal."

"More like a real negative."

"Hey now!" He stops and leans on her shoulder, playing with her badge. "It's barely afternoon and you've already exceeded your wordplay quota for the day. Are you trying to outfox me? It ain't happening."

She wraps the end of his tie around her paw. "Me? Outfox _you_? Never! I've got plenty of fox in me already. I'd be uncomfortable asking for more."

"And unless they invent a way to change your DNA on the fly, that's the most fox you'll ever get. Look. Biology isn't everything, but foxes have a head start in the brains, senses, and overall craftiness departments."

Judy shakes her head in disbelief.

"Carrots, you're an extremely clever bunny. One of thousands of reasons why I'm hopelessly in love with you. But you'll never be a _fox_."

"Don't try to backpedal with that backpawed compliment! You're playing the species card!" She gives him a mocking smile and pulls his tie tight. "Which is what you do when your wit is failing and you're afraid you'll lose a jesting tournament to a dumb little bunny. I'll take that as your forfeit."

She lets go of his tie and they continue walking. "I never give up that easily," says Nick. "By the way, you haven't told me where you spent the rest of your lunch break."

"Don't be so obvious. You're trying to guess what your prank is going to be! Honestly, Nick, I'm disappointed. I thought you master confoxes were sneakier."

"Rabbit, I couldn't care less about the silly little diversions you call pranks. I am ungettable."

"Is that even a word?"

"It is now. Since nothing you'd do could possibly fool me, why should I get myself worked up over…"

" _Ack!_ Oh mercy!" Clawhauser's voice echoes throughout the lobby.

Nick and Judy rush to the reception desk, where the cheetah spits out the remains of a donut into a napkin.

"You alright there?" Nick climbs behind Clawhauser's chair in an attempt to perform the Heimlich maneuver, but there's simply too much cheetah for him to grab.

"Goodness gracious!" Clawhauser coughs and clears his throat. "That was ridic!"

"What happened, Benji? Eating too _fast_?"

"Species card!" murmurs Judy. Nick shushes her with his paw.

"I don't really know! I was finishing up my box from this morning." Donut crumbs tumble down his chin. "And I took a bite from one of these chocolate cremes, but instead it tasted…"

"...like _paw lotion_?" Judy puts her paws on her hips. "Huh. I wonder how that happened?"

Clawhauser gasps. "You! You got me right where it hurt the most!" He laughs. "Oh goodness, taken down by the bunny! I have to give it to you, though, that was a stroke of genius!"

"Actually, it wasn't genius at all." Nick grabs the donut box from the desk. "I've seen this one before. You take a filled donut." He holds up another chocolate creme as an example. "And then you find yourself a reputable syringe. Creme comes out, lotion goes in. It's an old trick, Carrots."

"That may be true, but so is this."

He sets the box back. "What is?"

Judy grins and holds up five fingers. "One down. Five more to go."

"Oh please."

* * *

They patrol the streets of downtown in the Z-240, making little conversation other than police chatter. Did she take the wordplay quota joke seriously? Nick hopes not. On most shifts, their banter is the only thing that makes the hours bearable.

He sips his afternoon coffee. What's that bunny thinking right now? Is she betting on getting him because they're together in a confined space? It won't be that easy. She can watch his every move, but he can watch hers, too. And smell, hear, feel, and even taste. He's got her covered.

The sporty red two-seater in front of them blows through a stop sign.

"Dumb move, buddy."

"You said it, Slick."

Judy flips on the lights, and the two-seater pulls over and puts on its emergency flashers. Nick radios their location and the car's plates to dispatch.

Traffic stops are always tense, but Judy's a pro at keeping cool and keeping herself out of danger. As she walks toward the vehicle, Nick watches its cervine driver for any signs of trouble. Nothing to radio Judy about.

The driver unrolls the window. She talks with him, gathers his license and registration, and hurries back to the patrol car. "You won't believe who we just pulled over!"

"I can believe a lot."

"It's Kevin Parkherd from Tame Impala!"

"No way! No way are you trying to prank me in the middle of a _traffic stop!_ "

"It's not a prank! We're on duty! Come on, don't you want to meet him? He's being cooperative and he's just as down to earth as you could hope he'd be!"

"I'd love to meet him. But since he isn't in the vehicle we pulled over, that's not happening at the moment."

"I'm serious!"

He grabs the ID out of her paws. "This says Chaim Parkstadewitz."

"Must be his birth name."

Judy enters the driver's data on the onboard computer, and Nick leans on her head. "Carrots. Please. Making someone look is the oldest prank in the book. A little cub can do that. It's as hoary as 'pull my finger' and 'did you know there's "gullible" written on the ceiling'. A more sophisticated hustler would be embarrassed by your tactics."

"I'm not hustling, Slick." She stops typing and gently removes his forelimb from between her ears. "Remember when Tame Impala played at the Palm Hotel Casino?"

Judy's going to play the nostalgia angle on this one. But he's had years of practice of not letting anyone get to him. She doesn't realize who she's up against. "Mm-hmm. How could I forget? One of the best evenings of my life."

"Glad you think so too." Judy scoots across the vehicle to Nick's seat and buries her face in his uniform. Her warm breath against his chest… Oh, bunny! He can't help but wrap his limbs and tail around her.

"We stood outside the doors because we didn't have tickets," she says. "I was wearing that salmon pink dress with the tiny clutch we bought that day at the thrift store. You were wearing your off-white suit with the black shirt."

"Your favorite."

"Always my favorite! And there, right on the carpet of the casino floor, was where you taught me how to dance. So I wouldn't just jump up and down like a dorky backwoods rabbit."

Nick rubs his paws on her back. "What was it I kept telling you to pay attention to?"

"Ears, head, shoulders, paws, tail, feet!"

"That's right, little bunny." He squeezes her tight and gives her a peck on the forehead. This is the moment she'll go in for the kill. "But you can't use our love as a weapon against me. That's out of bounds. And besides, I simply _cannot_ be gotten."

"Fine! Don't believe me!" She scoots back to the computer and continues typing. "If you won't believe your own wife, it's your own loss."

"Not everyone is married to a conbunny, sweetheart."

"At least you admit I'm a con artist! That's some progress."

"I freely admit that you're a talented apprentice. You've got a long ways to go before you become a master."

* * *

Judy returns the keys to the metal cabinet in the garage when Francine bursts through the door, charging at them in a hot pink bathrobe with bunny ears.

"That's not really your color, hon." Nick sips his coffee. "Or your species."

"Judy Hopps! I bet you think this is really funny, don't you?"

The elephant leans on the garage wall, her giant bunny ears pointed straight up.

"I think you look _amazing_ , personally! I'm a bit biased because I found that on sale during my lunch break."

"I knew the truth would out eventually." Nick jabs her with his elbow.

Francine shakes her head and trunk. "What did you do with my clothes, Judy Hopps! Where are my clothes!"

"Should I tell her?" She turns to Nick. "I'm torn."

"Naw. I think this is an improvement."

Francine waves her trunk at him, and he jumps behind Judy.

"You want to hear what your wife did? I was taking a shower in the locker room like I always do at the end of my shift. When I got out, someone had stolen the clothes out of my locker and replaced them with this... _thing_!" She tugs at the robe. "I ran upstairs to catch you two before you went on patrol, but you'd _just_ left! So I've been hanging around Headquarters for hours until you got back!"

"I'll tell you where your clothes are." Judy steps up next to Francine's toes. "If you admit that I got you and you didn't see it coming."

"Yes! Just gimme back my clothes!"

"They're in the armory. Far back corner on the right, hidden underneath an elephant-sized emergency blanket."

Francine trumpets under her breath and hurries out of the garage, sending the floor rumbling.

Nick scratches his head. "As much as I enjoy an elebunny or a rabbiphant, that was a little overkill, Carrots."

"Really now? If you could take credit for it, you'd be bragging about my prank for the next six months."

"Breaking into a locker and stealing someone's clothes? It's edgy at best. Larcenous at worst. Making her wait until we got back was just mean."

"You know what they say, Nick. All's fair in love and war."

They walk towards the lobby. "So you've declared war on the ZPD?"

"Just on the six cops who laughed at me being humiliated."

"Fair deal." Nick grins. "So how exactly _did_ you break into her locker? Did you guess her combo? Use a shim?"

She grins back. "I thought a master confox wouldn't have to ask! I mean, it's not like I've got a head start in brains, senses, and craftiness. I'm just a dumb bunny!"

"We master confoxes could use a little continuing education now and then. Tell me."

Judy shakes her head no. "A magician never reveals her tricks. Except for this one—" She holds up four fingers. "Two down, four more to go."

"No, better make that three _attempted_ down. You had your chance with me and you blew it. I would never fall for your Lame Impala story."

She chuckles. "Oh no, that wasn't even a prank! Pulling over Kevin Parkherd was a sheer coincidence."

"Carrots! Stop trying. Stop. It's an exercise in futility to prank me."

Judy runs her paw from his cheek down to his knee. "There are some pranks that can't be prevented. No matter how clever you are or how prepared you are."

He raises a skeptical eyebrow. "Never heard of them."

"You will." She taps her foot and gives him the determined look he's seen when they've responded to a crime in progress. "Oh, you will, confox!"

And before Nick can get in another word, Judy scampers across the lobby.

"Carrots, where…"

She has to be crazy to be that serious about getting him. Crazy bunny! It's not like she can dig up another set of tax records or lead him around with a carrot pen. She has _nothing_ on him... other than a marriage license and a shared apartment. But it's not like he doesn't know how to take care of himself on the streets.

Even so, stealing an elephant's clothes out of a locker took a lot of time and work for a little rabbit. And Francine wasn't even the main mammal she was trying to get even with...

"I've got a meeting in five minutes, so I'll cut this short." Bogo and a white mouse in a double-breasted suit pass through the lobby. The Chief points out Nick. "This is Officer Wilde, the first fox in our department. Wilde, this is our psychiatrist, Dr. Miles Ebbingmaus. I'll leave you two to get acquainted."

"Pleasure to meet you, doc." Nick shakes his mouse's paw, who then wipes it with a handkerchief and spritzes it with a tiny bottle of paw sanitizer.

"Likewise. Wilde is it?" Ebbingmaus pushes up his glasses and looks up to get a better look. "Are you by chance related to the renowned vulpine playwright…"

"My great-great-great-uncle. The wit supposedly runs in the genes."

"Fascinating! I read a paper recently on the inheritance of creative traits…"

Judy peers from around a corner and then walks directly toward them with a smile. Definitely not a good sign.

"Excuse me."

Ebbingmaus continues to talk, but Nick runs to confront that crazy bunny. He makes it halfway to the wall before she spins around, her tiny footsteps echoing down a hallway. She's just too quick.

Nick walks back to the psychiatrist. "Sorry about that. You were saying?"

"Nothing of great importance. Were you expecting someone just then? Don't let me keep you!"

"For the record, I _was_ expecting her. She's trying to pull something."

Ebbingmaus looks around the quiet lobby. "Yes. I was saying that there's a strong probability that creative traits can be inherited across multiple generations when researchers adjusted for…"

Nick catches a quick whiff of her scent coming from the hallway. He points his nose toward it so abruptly that Ebbingmaus jumps back.

"What is it?"

He sniffs. "She's down there, trying to stay hidden. It might work on other mammals, but she can't hide from a fox!"

"Interesting." Ebbingmaus spritzes his paws with more sanitizer. "You know, as the first fox on the force, you are subjected to unique stressors your coworkers don't experience. I wrote the foreword to a book called _The First But Not The Last_ , which offers coping mechanisms species pioneers can use when they feel isolated, frustrated or…"

Her scent again. Now Judy is approaching from the hallway behind them.

"Excuse me." Nick spins around and runs straight for the smell, but all he can see is a flash of white bunny tail— she's darted down the hall.

He strolls back to Ebbingmaus, paws in his pockets as if nothing happened.

"Sorry. You were saying?"

The psychiatrist cranes his neck to look down the hallway. "Was that 'her' again? I don't see anyone... "

"It was her, alright! She tells me over and over that she's going to get me. But she's wrong, doc! My senses are too finely developed. I can see, hear and smell things other mammals can't."

"Oh dear." He wrings his paws. "Well, I'm very happy we'll have a chance to meet one-on-one, Mr. Wilde. I'll do as much as I'm able to help you cope."

"Me? I'm doing fine upstairs! It's her I'm concerned about."

"Who is 'she'?"

"That crazy bunny!"

Here comes her scent again! Nick charges after it, abandoning the psychiatrist in the middle of the lobby.

He focuses on her white tail, running with his own tail straight out and his head low to the ground. A predator's stance. Instinct reminds him that when chasing a bunny, he should drop to all fours. Sure, why not?

Judy's ears perk up when his front paws hit the floor. She glances over her shoulder, wiggles her nose, and bounds on all fours herself.

Officers and staff jump out of the way as the fox and rabbit tear down the hall. Nick edges closer and closer… until Judy darts into the female restroom.

Not even the most vicious predator dares to enter there without risking a sharp kick from his wife.

Nick skids to a stop, stands upright, and pounds on the door.

"You crazy bunny! You can't sneak up on me! I'm onto you!"

He turns around— a tigress with a visitor badge is waiting to enter. Nick slides out of her way and tightens the knot on his uniform tie.

"After you, ma'am."

She pushes the door open and shoots him an alarmed look.


	3. The Importance of Being Paranoid

Nick has a full queue of reports he needs to finish writing, but it's hard to concentrate when a certain dumb bunny is out to pull something. Every five minutes he stops to listen and sniff around— so distracting.

If Judy wasn't making such a big deal out of her twenty-four hours, he'd be blissfully typing away in between checking Muzzlebook and Preddit instead of watching his back like a hustler. Is that what she's reduced him to? Will Judy always be playing dumb games with him— games she can't even win?

He leans back in his chair and closes his eyes… but not for too long, in case she's hiding around the cubicle. More coffee should help him stay alert.

Bogo is leaning on the counter in the break room, his mug and teabag ready, waiting for the electric kettle to boil.

"How's it going, Chief?" Nick picks up the coffee pot with caution. It's hot, but not scalding. Good. He sniffs to check that the liquid inside is really coffee. It is.

"Could be worse. Yourself?"

"Never been better." But what if the coffee is laced with something? Judy hinted that some pranks can't be sensed... of course! There are plenty of flavorless, odorless substances she could spike it with. Like a laxative.

Nick sets the coffee pot back. "Judy hasn't gotten you yet, has she?"

"No. Hopps wouldn't risk her professional reputation over a ridiculous pranking game. She won't go that far."

"I hear ya, Chief. She placed a big bet, but she's bluffing."

"Even if she tries, she won't get away with it. Thirty years on the force has taught me a bit about keeping my eyes open."

"Thirty yea… how old _are_ you? You don't look like you could be my father!"

The Chief is deadpan. "That's because I'm a buffalo, Wilde."

Nick points. "Touchez. Say, Chief... " He leans on a drawer handle beneath the counter. "What if we watched each other's backs? You give me a heads-up if you see that crazy bunny on the prowl, and I'll do the same."

Bogo's eyes light up. "Excellent thinking, Wilde! Teamwork is the only way to survive an outbreak of practical jokes. We could check in with each other... "

A wolf howl echoes down the hall.

"Great!" Bogo turns off the electric kettle and heads for the door. "That's the last thing I need today!"

* * *

Nick runs after the Chief, and the noise leads them into the Investigative Division cubicles. Wolford howls in front of his laptop, head raised to the ceiling, paws pointed down. A FuzzFeed video plays on the screen, showing a hippie howling circle taking place around a campfire.

"Hey! The chief's here!" Detective Frank Bullitt shakes the wolf's shoulders. "Snap out of it!"

Bogo slams the laptop shut, breaking Wolford's trance. "Carter Wolford! Who gave you permission to _howl_ on the job!"

Wolford shrinks into his chair. "Sorry, Chief! I know what this looks like, but it wasn't my fault! Seriously! I just got back from taking a phone call and when I opened my computer… the video was there and it started playing! I never went to the site or anything!"

"Do you mean to tell me," Bogo lowers himself to Wolford's level, "that someone _snuck_ into your cubicle, called up a video, and then closed your laptop, all while you were away? Do you expect me to believe _that_ nonsense?"

"That's exactly what happened," says Bullitt. The bison props his hooves on the back of Wolford's chair. "Wolford wanted a second opinion on some new evidence in his case. We came back here, he opened his laptop, and boom— howling."

Bogo snorts. "It's a good thing someone else saw it. Or Detective Wolford here would have had plenty of time to howl during his suspension."

Nick looks around. "Chief, you don't think…"

"That's exactly what I think, Wilde."

* * *

Judy types and stares intently at her monitor.

"Hopps!" Bogo hovers over her. "Did you set up Wolford's computer with a howling video!"

She spins her chair around. "I might have. _Howl_ did you like it?"

"Ugh." Nick covers his eyes. "Your puns are the worst!"

"Hopps, listen to me!" He points his hoof in her face. "I appreciate moments of levity every now and then, but I _will not_ let you harm my officers with your pranks. You could have started a howl! Do you remember the last time that happened?"

"Sure I do! We had to lock the wolves in the solitary cells so they wouldn't encourage each other."

"And they lost half a shift of productivity! Howling videos are not safe for work under any circumstances! That's explicitly in the manual!"

"But let _me_ be explicit about where the score stands." Judy grins and holds up three fingers. "Three down, three more to go." She looks both of them in the eye. "Two of which happen to be _you_! The gentleox and the gentlefox."

"No more pranks! None! That's a direct order!" Bogo storms out of the cubicles.

"So." Nick crosses his limbs. "You heard it from the boss. Game's over. Time to pack up and go home."

"If I did everything Bogo asked, I would have handed over my police badge a long time ago."

"Carrots!" He throws his paws up. "Your jokes are getting less and less funny! Making a wolf howl when he doesn't want to? Something he could get fired for? Exploiting instinct for a cheap laugh is a low blow, bunny!"

"Funny you should bring up instinct after you _chased_ me on all fours across the building!" She hops out of her chair and pokes his chest. "I mean, my goodness! You went predator, Nick! That made me go prey! We're not supposed to play that game outside the bedroom!"

"Yes. And I broke our rule because you kept sneaking up on me in the lobby. _You_ were the one playing predator!"

"I was not! I heard Dr. Ebbingmaus' voice in the lobby and I was heading over to say hello. If you hadn't chased me away each time you would have found out that it wasn't a prank!"

"Uh huh. And my fur isn't red."

"Nick, it's only a game! It's perfectly acceptable for you to lose once in awhile."

"Maybe for some species that shall go unnamed, but it's not acceptable for _me._ I'm a sore loser, Carrots. You knew that when we got together! I cheat at every game except relationships!"

"Well then don't think of it as a game! Think of it as two strong-willed mammals strengthening their bond through a couple of rounds of chaos. And what's that quote again? 'The very essence of romance is uncertainty'?"

Nick rolls his eyes. "What hormone-imbalanced bunny said that?"

"Your great-great-great uncle." She darts off, disappearing somewhere in the maze of cubicles.

* * *

Nick sniffs the air so often that he barely finds time to type. But he can only hold his bladder for so long, and Nick sends the Chief an email to announce that he'll be away from his desk. When he returns from the bathroom, he flags down Bogo in the hall.

"Oh, Chief!" Nick scans for any signs of the crazy bunny. He whispers: "I just saw Judy on her phone. She never texts at work, so she must be planning something big. _Really_ big."

Bogo nods. "Good to know. I took the liberty of watching your desk."

"You're the best around, sir!"

"Unfortunately, I'm afraid I arrived too late. Hopps was crawling around your chair. She ran off when she heard my footsteps."

Nick gulps. "So uh, what do you think that means?"

"It means you need to find another place to work, Wilde. She's rigged your cubicle. And all while defying a direct order!" He snorts.

* * *

Nick logs in to one of the old Zindows 98 terminals in the records room. He's never seen Judy in the basement before, but it would be great if he could find today's security camera footage to confirm that.

His bathroom break was ten minutes long, tops. She must have messed with his desk in the moments before Bogo could get there. And to know he had left, she must have been spying on him from a distance where he couldn't smell her.

He couldn't even _smell_ her! Good God, that is one _sly_ bunny...

A chair creaks somewhere beyond the tall shelves of boxes. Nick jumps with a tiny fox screech.

"Who's there!" McHorn's voice.

"It's Wilde. I'm alone, no need to panic."

McHorn peaks around the stacks. "Scared me to death. You've been working down here, too?"

"Uh huh."

The rhino looks anxiously to the left and right. "I've been here all afternoon. The patrol cops hate this place, so I think we're good."

"But nobody knows you came here?"

McHorn shakes his head.

Nick rubs his face. "Thank God."

"Hey, Nick, could we buddy up so I can get something from the vending machine upstairs? I don't think Hopps will try to get us both at the same time."

"Two against one! I like the way you think, Jeremy!"

They tiptoe through the stacks. "You tried to guess how she's gonna get you?" whispers McHorn.

"She's not going to get me," Nick looks over his shoulder, ears down. He clenches his teeth. McHorn's footsteps are so loud, they could easily be masking a rabbit's...

"Don't be too sure. I didn't think she could get Carter. He's one hell of a good detective."

"You're not… scared of her, are you? A big, hulking rhino scared of a little bunny?"

"Hell no. I'm just cautious. You scared?"

"Scared of my own wife?" Nick gives a nervous laugh.

They round the corner and creep down another row of stacks on their way to the elevator.

"Huh. That's weird." McHorn stops in front of a box that sticks out further than the rest. "This one's misfiled. It's not even put in… Oh, that's really weird. These are the transcripts for the tapir cult case. I need this for my deposition."

Misfiled?

McHorn reaches for the box...

"Jeremy! _NOOOOOO!_ "

The boxes pour onto McHorn like a rockslide, sending him to the floor. Nick runs for his life. When he finally looks behind, McHorn is buried under a cardboard mound.

"Help! Rhino down! We need backup!" Nick climbs onto the pile and starts tossing boxes off the rhino. The staffers from the other end of the basement rush in to help.

McHorn digs himself out and pushes himself on his feet. "I'm alright! Got a thick skull!" He coughs. "Just a couple of bruises!"

He yanks an impaled box off his horn.

"No! That's not right!" Nick runs up four flights of stairs and corners Judy at her desk.

"What are you doing, rabbit! What the… You could have _killed_ Jeremy McHorn! You could have killed anyone who wasn't a rhino! You could have killed _me_!"

She leans back in her chair and beams. "You liked my little engineering job? Just like playing Jenga, wasn't it?"

"Carrots! This isn't a game! This is real life!"

"Don't act so envious, Nick! It's not like my little jokes are something a _master confox_ would come up with. Oh no, I'm not _that_ good!"

He cautiously places his paw on her forehead. She shifts her weight, and he jumps back to safety. "You don't have a fever, but you are not well, Judy. No prank is worth putting lives at risk!"

"You know what _is_ worth that?"

"Please enlighten me. Because I don't!"

She grins and holds up her fingers. "Four down, two more to go."

He backs up slowly. "Oh God. She's losing it. She's really losing it!"

"Hopps!" Bogo leans into the cubicle. "You disobeyed a direct order! Desk duty for the rest of this week!"

She raises her paws in protest...

"No appeals! And I want to see Precinct One at Dr. Ebbingmaus' lecture on managing stress in the workplace. Five minutes from now, Briefing Room Green. That's a direct order!"

* * *

Nick takes a long, unpredictable route through the building, stopping every few seconds to sniff the air and listen for danger. By the time he gets to the briefing room, Dr. Ebbingmaus is in the middle of the lecture.

The psychiatrist looks up as the door opens. "Oh! Mr. Wilde! So glad you could join us! Have a seat!"

There's only one left. And of course it's next to hers.

Nick inspects the chair before he sits, lifting it high and turning it upside down.

"Ermm… is there anything I could do to help you feel more comfortable?" Ebbingmaus wrings his paws from his tiny lectern on top of a table.

"No." Nick puts the chair on the floor. "Just checking."

Ebbingmaus nods with a leery smile. "Right. Where were we? Ah yes. As much as we need to rely on ourselves to stave off off fatigue and mental weariness, bonding with the mammals close to us also strengthens our resilience."

Judy sits with her paws folded in her lap, back straight, listening with a smile. What a performance! How can she pretend she has a clean conscience when she's already gotten four cops?

His kneecap brushes against hers. Nick pulls away fast, almost tipping his seat over.

"Is something wrong, Mr. Wilde?"

The room looks at Nick. He rights himself and adjusts his tie. "I'm fine. Perfectly alright. Really."

"Good. I hope so." The mouse clears his throat. "When the support systems of our neighbors, friends, coworkers, and spouses are replicated in the fabric of an organization, we call this a 'healthy culture'."

How much longer will he be trapped next to her? Nick checks the time on his phone. His shift is almost over, thank God. But there are sixteen more hours of potential pranks...

"Healthy organizational cultures delight in the less serious aspects in life. They devote time to recreation. This could take the form of office sports leagues or board game nights, or perhaps good-natured, light-hearted pranks…"

There it is! Ebbingmaus gave himself away without realizing it. Judy _knows_ the psychiatrist— she said she met him at the Academy! And she claimed she was trying to "say hello" to him earlier! So they're double teaming him. Just like in the lobby, Ebbingmaus is distracting him while _she's_ setting it up!

No way, bunny. Your fox is too smart for this.

He springs out of his seat, rushes to the lectern and points an accusing claw at Ebbingmaus. "Don't listen to him! He's working with her! He's working with that crazy bunny!"

Nick throws open the door. "Sorry, sweetheart." He sends Judy a smug grin as he swings on the handle. "Better luck next time."

The door latches. He's back in the hallway. Back to safety. Nick slides down the wall and rests his eyes…

"HOPPS!" Bogo's voice echoes throughout the second floor. "HOPPS! You've gone TOO FAR!"

Oh God. She did it. She got _her boss!_

* * *

The Chief sprays fire extinguisher foam into his trash can as smoke billows out. "That ought to take care of it."

Nick puts his paws to his mouth. "Don't tell me she started a fire!"

"Worse than that!" Bogo slams the extinguisher on his desk. "She left an envelope on my desk that was supposedly from the mayor. It burst into flames when I opened it! Must have found a bit of flash powder down in the lab. I'm lucky I always keep an extinguisher in here, and I'm _very_ lucky I didn't have anything explosive in my garbage. It could have been a disaster!"

"I'll say! Are you hurt?"

"No, thank goodness." He rubs his hooves on his pants, smearing them with ashes. "A bit shocked, that's all. And extremely disappointed in Hopps! She knows better than to play with matches."

"She certainly does... " Nick finds his paws shaking. He holds them behind his back so the Chief won't see.

Bogo packs his laptop in his briefcase and tucks in his chair. "She'll get her formal reprimand in the morning."

"Hold on!" Nick spreads himself across the door. "You're not leaving? Not when…"

"Wilde!" The Chief grits his teeth. "The moment I set foot in my house, I'm going to draw myself a lavender-scented bath, close my eyes, and let this awful day come to a peaceful end!"

"But what about me!" Bogo reaches out for the door handle, and Nick latches onto his wrist. "We're supposed to watch each other's backs! Who's going to watch my back?"

Bogo cracks a wry grin. "Sorry. She got me. Which means I'm mercifully done with her game. You're still playing." He shakes off Nick's paw and opens the door. "Good luck! You'll need every bit of it."

"Chief!" Nick chases after him.

"Hopps has nothing but respect for me. I'd hate to imagine what she'd do to someone she's _upset_ with."

"No, Chief! Wait! Wait! Come back!" He smells a certain rabbit on his trail, and he spins around to face her.

"I can't believe it!" He holds his paws high in exasperation. "I can't believe it! You! You of all the mammals in Zootopia… you… you could have set the Chief of Police on _fire_! You could have burned down Headquarters!"

Judy shrugs.

"Was it worth it, rabbit? Was it worth roasting your co-workers alive in a blazing inferno to take revenge against a freaking Howlerpoint presentation? Was it worth ending your police career and going to prison forever to win bragging rights against your fox? Was any of this worth it?"

She crosses her limbs.

Nick gestures toward the elevators. "Come on. Bogo's left for the day. Let's go home and forget about the twenty-hours. But first we'll have us a nice dinner at Caetano's where we can talk it over like adults. Get it all out in the open. Come on."

He walks ahead. But she doesn't follow.

"Carrots! I'm leaving! Why aren't you coming?"

She is expressionless.

"What? What is it?" Nick puts his paws on his hips. "Aren't you going to speak up for yourself? Or have I shamed you into silence?"

Judy lifts one finger. "Five down." She grins. "One more to go."

" _Wheeoooww!_ " Nick launches himself straight up in the air. He lands on all fours and bolts down the hall, ears back, mouth open.

Fox must escape… fox must escape the danger...

"Mr. Wilde!"

He's on course to collide with a white mouse. Ebbingmaus squeaks and scurries out of the way, and Nick rolls on the carpet and jumps onto his two feet.

"What on earth is the matter!" Ebbingmaus shakes with fear. "You're acting like an animal!"

Nick pants and points to the empty spot where Judy had been. "Crazy bunny! Crazy crazy crazy bunny!" And returning to all four paws, he runs to the end of the hall and leaps through the closing doors of the elevator.


	4. Get Him While The Gettin's Good

Judy watches her husband from their bed, browsing through her Critter feed on a tablet. "Is all this really necessary?"

Nick wears a ZPD hazmat suit in the safety of the hallway. Beside him, Officer Delgato uses a laptop to navigate a bomb disposal robot through the apartment.

"Are your pranks a threat to life and limb?" Nick's voice is muffled by the suit. "Yes. Yes, they are."

She sighs. "Nick. Be reasonable. Do you honestly think I'd hurt anything more serious than your pride?"

"I think you're a desperate bunny out for sweet revenge. I'm not taking any chances around you."

"The other five cops didn't lose their lives or limbs!"

"Oh they could have! And I've got the sneaking suspicion that you're saving the best for last."

Judy cracks a smile. "You're right about that."

"But it won't happen, Carrots! I _cannot_ be gotten!"

The robot grabs Nick's toothbrush and shampoo off the shelf with its hydraulic arm.

"Does 'cannot' mean that you're incapable of being gotten, or would being gotten be a giant blow to your ego?"

"What do you care?" He carefully steps to the threshold. "All you care about is winning. Doesn't matter how mean or vicious the game gets as long as you come out on top. Isn't that how you think?"

She puts the tablet down and offers him a sympathetic look. "It isn't. You're playing our game too seriously! I'm not out to make your life a living hell! All I'm after is a little payback— just a teensy bit of fun at your expense. Like you had with me."

"And you're not going to get it."

"Why is this such a big deal to you? Are you afraid of me?"

"No!"

The robot runs over a creaky floorboard and Nick jumps, hitting his head against the doorframe.

"Oh no!" Judy stifles her laugh. "Are you hurt?"

He holds out his paw in warning. "Don't you come near me!"

"This is too much! I'm proposing a ceasefire. Right now." She pats the bed. "You spend the night with your bunny and I promise I won't prank you. Simple as that. If I do, I forfeit the game. And then we'll pick up where we left off at work."

"Nope."

"I can't see your face! Nick, please. Take off that suit! I want to see your handsome face! Show me that I haven't hurt you over a silly game."

"How dumb do you think I am, rabbit? If I take this off, you'll release some foul substance that will make me cough, itch, burn, puke, or become otherwise indisposed."

"I would never do that to _you_! Oh my poor fox!" Judy hops out of bed and rushes toward him. "This is totally gonna get me glittered, but you're way too important to let that stop me!"

"Stop it! Stop it!" He runs backwards until his suit bumps against the wall of the hallway. "Don't come any closer! Delgato, back me up!"

The tiger stands in front of the door, blocking Judy from leaving.

"I'll call off the twenty-four hours completely." She peers around Delgato's leg. "Swear to God. If I break my promise, you can prank me without consequence until the day I die. But only if you apologize for humiliating me yesterday."

Nick struggles to cross his limbs under the thick hazmat suit.

"A simple apology. No, not even that! Just two words. 'I'm sorry.' Even better— 'I'm sorry, Judy.' Or 'I'm sorry, Judy, my amazing wife who happens to be a master conbunny.' And afterwards, we'll celebrate the end of the game. Right here in this pre-warmed bed."

She raises her eyebrow.

"You know I hate spending the night alone without my big fox to keep me company."

"You'd call it all off?"

"I would."

"Right now?"

"Right now."

"And then we'll..."

"...not even joking. All you have to do is say you're sorry."

What an incredible bunny. Oh, she's the greatest mammal in the world! Nick sees himself throwing off the hazmat suit, picking her up and tossing her onto the mattress.

He takes several steps forward. "I love you to death, little bunny."

Judy slips around Delgato. "I love you too."

"But sorry. No."

"No?"

"No?" say Pronk and Bucky in unison through the wall.

"That's right. _No._ "

She frowns. "Well why won't you!"

"Because accepting a truce would be a concession. I'd admit that you're capable of getting me. Which despite the events of today _you are still not._ There is only one master conmammal in this household, and it happens to be yours truly."

Judy's jaw drops. "You! You! You are the most... _stubborn_ fox! To turn down… my _goodness!_ "

"Uh huh. And you, rabbit, are a real pushover."

She grabs the toothbrush and shampoo out of the robot's claw and throws them into the hall. "Here. Take your toiletries! Five down, one more to go, buster! You better watch that big fluffy tail of yours, because I _will_ get you!"

She punts the robot out of the room and slams the door.

Delgato looks at Nick and shakes his head. "Good going, Wilde. Must have been fun being married." He begins packing the robot in its case.

Nick unzips the hazmat suit enough to check his phone: Fifteen hours. Fifteen hours to avoid being gotten.

But he can pull it off. He's a fox, after all.

* * *

Nick walks for nine blocks until he feels alone enough to request a Zuber. The responding driver turns out to be an arctic hare. Oh yikes.

It's probably nothing. Zootopia is home to dozens of millions of mammals. Judy can't know _all_ the leporids.

The car pulls to a stop, and the hare steps out to open the back door. That's a nice touch. Or he's sucking up because...

"Howdy fox! The name's Steve. Looks like you're headed to the Outback Island Marriotter?"

Nick gets in. "Right."

"Nice place!" Steve drives off. "You know I can only take you as far as the aerial tram. The island's for pedestrians only."

"Exactly. Nice and isolated." He turns around and looks out the back window. "By the way, we might be followed. Know how to lose them?"

"Sure!" The arctic hare snaps his chewing gum. "You got a crazy girlfriend or something?"

"Something like that."

How would he guess? Maybe he sees this a lot. Or maybe...

Nick keeps a close eye on the GPS in case the driver makes an unexpected turn.

Forty minutes later, the Zuber is making its way through the dull suburban boulevards of the Meadowlands. They're still on target, and so far the driver hasn't done anything out of the ordinary. But he could report Nick's location back to Judy. What if he already did that when he got the ride request?

It's so unlikely. It would only happen if he and Judy had some previous connection. Nick _has_ to know.

"What's your name again, buddy?"

"Steve."

"That's right. Tell me, Steve." Nick leans on the back of the front passenger seat. "Where'd you grow up? Zootopia?"

"Nah. I come from a burrow. Way to the south of the city."

That could easily be a coincidence.

"Which burrow?"

"Eh, you've probably never heard of it."

"I probably have. I'm married to an Eastern Cottontail."

"No kidding!" Steve glances over his shoulder and he gives him a thumbs up. "You're alright in my book, fox! So how do you like rabbit culture? You foxes probably think it's pretty lame."

"I like it enough."

"Good answer! Very political. You and your doe must get along great."

"Sure."

They pass strip malls and cookie-cutter subdivisions.

"So what's the name of your burrow?"

"It's called Bunnyburrow."

Nick gulps. Hold on, Bunnyburrow is huge— hundreds of square miles and millions of residents. No need to panic.

"Huh! That just happens to be where my wife grew up. Maybe you know her."

"Doubt it. The rabbits down there multiply like rabbits. What's her name?"

"Judy Hopps?"

Steve gasps. "That's right, she did marry a fox! Oh wow, what a coincidence! Judy and I went out in high school! We just stay in touch on Muzzlebook these days... "

Nick's heart pounds and his fur stands on end. So she colluded with the Zuber driver. Goddamit, rabbit, you are so _not_ getting me!

"I know all about you and Judy!" Nick points an accusing claw. "I know what you two have been up to!"

"Hey, wait a minute!" Steve's ears go down. "When I said we went out…"

"You can't hide it from me!"

"...that was years ago! Listen, I haven't seen your wife face to face..."

"And you thought you two could get away with it behind my back!"

"No! No!" Steve gulps. "I swear, fox, I swear!"

"Stop this car!"

"I'm innocent! I haven't touched her!"

"Stop this car RIGHT NOW!"

Nick leaps into the passenger seat and grabs the steering wheel out of Steve's paws. The car swerves the other side of the road and lurches to a halt on the shoulder of Meadowmont Boulevard.

He yanks at the passenger door— stuck! Must be the child safety lock. Nick reaches to the driver's side in search of the child safety toggle and accidentally bumps Steve on the head.

"Oh God, don't hit me, fox!" Steve shields himself with his paws. "We broke up years ago!"

Where is that damn toggle? The interior is black, and Nick's night vision isn't offering much help. He fumbles around the door and steering column and ends up shoving Steve against the window.

" _Ow!_ " The hare crouches and covers his head. "We never even went past second base!"

"That crazy bunny _knew_ you were a Zuber driver, and she tipped you off so _you_ would be the one to pick me up!"

"What…?"

Nick finds the toggle, unlocks the door, and jumps out into the night.

"She thinks she's so slick, but she's not as slick as Nicholas P. Wilde! You tell her that!"

He slams the door and runs the remaining six miles to the aerial tramway. Perhaps Steve really was innocent… who knows. It's hard to tell in the fog of war that rabbit has created. And Nick can't afford to take any chances.

As soon as he sets foot on the island, Nick stops at the local Targoat to buy a baseball bat for protection. Fourteen hours left.

* * *

After lifting the mattress, pulling off the sheets and comforter, taking down the drapes and rehanging them, and inspecting the closets, drawers, and bathroom sink cabinets with a flashlight, Nick feels safe enough to lie down on the bed with his bat and hope for sleep.

Sleep never comes. Every noise inside and outside the hotel stirs him back to consciousness.

He checks his phone: 3:49 AM.

Almost sixteen hours without being gotten. Eight hours left.

She's probably sitting in the lobby right now, trying to hustle the wallaby receptionist into giving her his room number. It'll never work— Nick told the front desk that _no one_ was to find out where he was staying. Even if she claimed to be his wife.

Sorry, Carrots. Your fox was three steps ahead, as always.

The wind blows through the trees outside— his ears go back and he lifts the baseball bat, ready to strike.

What if he took tomorrow off and got out of the city completely? If he left for the countryside now he could get in a long, cozy nap by dawn...

No! He can't win on a _technicality_! That's the loser's way out!

Nick is going to beat that crazy bunny's game fair and square. No matter what it takes.

* * *

"Uh… Nick?" Clawhauser sets down his donut and stares. "I don't want to be rude? But uh… I don't think you should be at work today?"

"Why?" Nick props himself up on the reception desk, dark bags under his bloodshot eyes. His uniform is frumpled, his collar flipped up to one side. "Because you think she's going to…" He yawns. "Get me? I'm at the top of my game, chubby cheetah!" His eyelids fall shut. "She doesn't stand a chance..."

Nick shakes himself awake.

"No, it's… uh…" Clawhauser whispers: "Chief's not going to let you go on patrol like that! You look terrible!"

Nick adjusts his tie knot, lowering it and making it more cockeyed. "I'm here to see my darling glitter get covered in bunny." He yawns. "Or the other way around." He picks up his baseball bat and trudges into the bullpen.

Only three hours left! Thank God. If he can make it through twenty-one hours straight without being gotten, these last few will be a cinch.

But as anyone who ever attended a sleepover or summer camp knows, he _must not_ fall asleep. He's a little fatigued. Just a little. Although a long nap sounds like a great idea...

The cops go silent as he enters the bullpen.

"What happened to you?" says Officer Snarlov.

Judy looks up from her chair...

Nick holds the bat straight out. "Don't get any closer!"

She holds up her paws. "I wasn't…"

"Yes you were!

"No, I…"

"You were thinking it!"

"Wh…"

"Shhh! Not another word, rabbit! I'm winning this!"

"TEN-HUT!" shouts Higgins, and the officers begin to chant and stomp their feet. Nick slumps to the back off the room and leans against the whiteboard. No way will he be sitting next to the crazy bunny. His eyes start to close… Nope!

Bogo marches in with a scowl and slams a notebook on the podium. "Hopps! Front of the room!"

She makes her way to the podium, head hanging low.

The Chief snorts. "Well. Words fail me. They absolutely _fail_ me. Your behavior yesterday was a disgrace to the Zootopia Police Department. Is that understood, Hopps?"

"Yes," she murmurs.

Nick stands up straight. Oh, you poor little bunny! The Chief shouldn't pick on you in public like that! It was just a game…

A game _he's_ going to win. Judy is going _down_.

"Meet me in my office after assignments and we'll discuss the terms of your suspension. Take your seat!"

She does. Nick feels his eyelids slump...

"Wilde!" shouts Bogo. Nick springs awake. "Why aren't you seated!"

"Um…"

"And what are you wearing?"

He looks down and scratches his head. "Looks like my uniform."

"In that state? I happen to disagree." Bogo thumps his notebook. "How many hours of _sleep_ did you get last night?"

"Not sure of the exact number, Chief." He blinks and forces his eyes back open. "I'd say in the ballpark between zero and... zero."

"I'm well aware that Hopps was playing pranks yesterday, but your behavior has also been deeply disturbing. Disrupting lectures? Chasing through the premises on four feet? How do you explain that?"

Nick loosens his tie further. "Well, usually you use words, or some sort of diagram..."

"I'm ordering you to meet with Dr. Ebbingmaus immediately! Dismissed!"

* * *

Nick strolls into the conference room with the smuggest grin he can muster under the circumstances. "So! I'm less than three hours away from winning and she thinks you're able to stop me."

He yawns so hard his jaw aches.

"But I'm onto you, shrinkster! This fox came prepared!"

Ebbingmaus eyes the baseball bat from his chair on the table. "Do you mind if you leave your, uh, sports equipment by door?"

"That's just what you'd want me to do, isn't it?"

The mouse gulps and smiles nervously. "Please have a seat, Mr. Wilde. This is a safe space. You can talk about anything that's troubling you. I'm listening."

Nick collapses into the chair. His head falls onto the table and his eyes close.

 _Whatever happens, do not fall asleep!_

He props his head up with his paws. "Don't deny it, Funnymaus! You're in cahoots with the crazy bunny!"

Ebbingmaus takes out a notepad and makes a note. "Yes… the crazy bunny. Let's talk about her. Can other mammals see this crazy bunny as well?"

"If they can't, they better have their eyesight checked!"

"Hmm." The mouse makes a note. "Does the crazy bunny have a name?"

Nick sits up and scowls. "What kind of a question is _that_? Is something wrong with you, doc?"

"I… I don't think so…"

"Of course she has a name! Judith Laverne Hopps! Carrots! Fluff! Eastern Cottontail! _Sylvilagus floridanus_ …"

"Oh, now that makes sense!" Ebbingmaus folds his tiny fingers. " _Officer Hopps_ is the crazy bunny."

"You think so too! Good for you."

"How would you describe your relationship with Officer Hopps?"

Nick grins. "That's not appropriate for mixed company."

"We're alone, Mr. Wilde."

He looks around. "Gotcha." Nick folds his limbs and leans in: "To be perfectly honest, it's exhausting. We do it several times every night…"

"Oh!" Ebbingmaus sits up, flustered. "I didn't realize you two were… intimate. I meant your _working_ relationship."

"You don't think that's work? Clearly you've never had to satisfy a bunny!"

The mouse closes his eyes and spreads his fingers across his face. "Mr. Wilde. In my experience, nothing good has ever come from having an affair with a co-worker."

"Perfect. I have no interest in having one. That crazy bunny is the love of my life."

"But you just said…" Ebbingmaus adjusts his seat and sprays sanitizer on his paws. "I shall be frank with you."

"Sure thing, Frank."

"Foxes and rabbits often find each other irresistible— latent interspecies tension from ancient predator-prey relationships tends to manifest itself as sexual chemistry. But attraction alone is not enough to sustain a relationship. You see, a healthy relationship revolves around mutual support and shared values. But foxes and rabbits come from such different cultural backgrounds that their values rarely overlap."

Nick's eyelids grow heavy. _Don't go to sleep. Don't let her win!_ He holds his eyelids open.

"Unfortunately, studies predict that your interspecies relationship with Officer Hopps is doomed to fail. And perhaps that relationship is the main source of your stress? What do you think of that notion, Mr. Wilde?"

His eyelids close anyway. There's a warm bed in the corner of a boarding house room...

"Hmm. I believe that you are acutely sleep deprived," comes a voice from outside the dream. "Perhaps our time would be better spent if I left you to rest alone... "

"No-no-no-no-no!"

Nick pushes up onto the table and gets in the mouse's face. "I'm not going to sleep, Frank! That's just where she wants me! Don't make me go to sleep! _Please!_ I have to be awake! I have to be awake!"

"Control yourself! Take a deep breath and release it slowly!"

Nick pants frantically, exposing his sharp teeth. Ebbingmaus steps backward and stares at the giant teeth in horror.

"Mr. Wilde! You _must_ learn how to manage your stress! You're on the verge of a complete mental and emotional breakdown and oh my God that fox is going to eat me _squeeeeeeak!_ "

The psychiatrist jumps off the table and runs to the corner of the room to hide.

Escape!

Nick dashes down the hall and spots the janitor's closet.

He'll wait here in the quiet darkness until he can catch his breath, and then...

There's a warm bed in the corner of a boarding house room. The most beautiful rabbit in the world pulls back the sheets, and Nick falls face-first into the pillow.


	5. Oh For Fox Sake

Nick awakes in darkness. He stretches. That was a well-earned nap! But where is he? This isn't the Grand Pangolin Arms for sure.

He pushes himself off a tile floor and brushes against a mop and bucket— a janitor's closet?

That's right, he ran down the hall and…

 _He fell asleep!_ Oh God, no!

Nick pats down his face, torso and tail. Nothing shaved. He turns on the flashlight on his phone and inspects his body. Nope, nothing's changed. She must have not found him.

What a relief! But how much longer does he have to hide in here? He checks the time:

12:27.

His jaw drops.

She didn't get him!

She _couldn't_ get him!

 _He_ _won!_

Nick closes his eyes and breathes a long sigh of relief.

Judy made a spectacular effort. She honestly went to impressive lengths to try to get him. But in the end, he was just too sly for his crazy bunny.

* * *

With his uniform straightened out and his fur freshly fluffed, Nick struts into the cafeteria. Judy and her five victims finish their meals at the same table from yesterday. Nick creeps up behind her and lowers his head between her ears:

"Well, well. I'm surprised you have the gall to show your cute little face in public after failing so miserably, Officer _Flops_."

She slips away and turns around, confused. "What did I fail at?"

"Hmm, let's see. Telling time, possibly. Or counting. Or, you know, _getting me_."

Nick slides her dish of steamed radishes away and sits on the table in front of her. "This may come as a shock, but I believe I might have mentioned something that hinted at how I just might not be capable of being gotten. Does that sound familiar?"

"A little bit."

"Allow me to make it unforgettably familiar. I cannot be gotten! You tried and you could not get me! Okay, it was a decent attempt. A passing grade. Enough to let you retain your title of apprentice conbunny. But having failed the final test, you must now endure being basted with glitter while I record your accompanying dance for all eternity."

He jumps off the table and crosses his limbs. "Final score! Sly fox? One. Dumb bunny? _Zero_. Any questions, sweetheart?"

She smiles a thin smile. As if she's holding back.

Why are the others so quiet?

Nick turns around. The officers stare at him with broad, mischievous grins. Even the Chief.

"What? Do I have something on my face?"

They keep smiling. And Nick gets the sinking sensation that he's just been played.

"Come on, what is this?" He steps back. "Judy had to get each of us before 12:14! That's what she said! She got the five of you but she never got me!"

"So it appeared." Judy sits on the table. "So it appeared."

"What is this, Carter? Jeremy? What am I missing? She _got_ you!" He points. "I was there! I saw it happen right in front of me!"

Clawhauser giggles. "But did you actually see _her_ put paw lotion in my donut?"

"Or break into my locker?"

"Or open a video on my laptop?"

"Or move the boxes in the records room?"

"Or leave an envelope on my desk?"

"No, of course you didn't!" Judy grabs Nick's tie and pulls him down to her height. "Because the only cop being pranked, Slick, was _you._ They were in on it from the very beginning. Or as I like to put it…" Judy grins. "One down, zero more to go."

Nick shakes his head in disbelief. "No! But… but…"

"Judy texted us yesterday morning when you were in the shower," says Wolford. "And then she started a group chat so we could stay in touch! She came up with everything!"

McHorn laughs. "You should have seen that look on your face when we were in the basement!"

"Hold on! Hold on!" Nick steps back. "You still couldn't get me! In no way was I pranked in the past twenty-four hours!"

The table laughs.

"I seem to recall a fox so terrified of his own apartment that he stood outside in the hallway in a hazmat suit." Judy shrugs. "Wouldn't you call that getting pranked?"

"You see," Bogo clears his throat, "the genius of Hopps' scheme was how it created an atmosphere where you believed she could prank you at any time and in any manner. In reality, you were never in any danger! The threats were purely psychological. By the way, thank you for suggesting that we watch each others' backs. That gave her some wonderful material."

"No no no! Hold on a second!" Nick steps back further. "What about Tame Impala? Dr. Ebbingmaus? And Steve the arctic hare? You were _still_ trying to get me, Fluff! You can't change the rules at the last second to keep from losing!"

"Tame Impala and Dr. Ebbingmaus were coincidences! I didn't have a thing to do with them! They were just random mammals who showed up in those twenty-four hours and made you think I was out to get you. And who is _Steve_? You don't mean Steve Polare from high school? I think he drives for Zuber now… Oh."

She cracks up. "Oh no, poor Steve!"

Nick slaps his sides and rolls his eyes at the ceiling. "So the whole thing was a con. There was never any twenty-four hours to get six cops. No pranks. Nothing."

"You're onto me! That didn't take long."

"Don't tell me your proposed ceasefire was part of the con, too!"

"Oh, Nick." Judy's face softens into an affectionate smile. "I would never lie to you about something that important! I couldn't watch you be tormented for another fifteen hours if you were willing to apologize."

He sighs. After all the effort he spent evading her, he never once thought to question her basic premise. The classic error of a mark. She really did get him.

"Well. I… I… damn. I mean… _damn_. That was a _good_ long con. I mean, seriously! Twenty-four hours with amateurs for shills, and none of you broke character. That's like… that's like…"

"The work of a master?"

He puts his paw on her shoulder. "Almost. Now hear me out! Master conbunnies don't call off their hustles when they get worried. They commit to them until the end, no matter how high the stakes."

Judy casts her eyes down, forlorn. "Oh, darn it, Slick, you're right! I was too emotional. That wasn't the work of a master conbunny!"

"Nope." He places his other paw on her shoulder and looks into those gorgeous purple eyes. "That was the work of my partner. The most talented hustler I've ever met. Of _any_ species."

She beams.

All that careful planning and meticulous execution… and she was willing to call it off if he got hurt. Precious, precious Judy!

"Now." Nick smiles so hard that tears form in his eyes. "Here are three words that I swear you are never going to hear me string together for the rest of our lives. So listen carefully. You. Got. Me. You got me _good_."

She kisses him on the cheek. "Don't get too mushy, Slick. You're not off the hook that easily!"

"Really?"

"We cut a deal, remember? If you couldn't get me, I had to be glittered. But if I got _you_ …"

She hops out of the way as Francine dumps a bucket of glitter on Nick's head.

"Damn you, rabbit!" The elephant rolls him around in the pile of glitter with her trunk. "Damn it! Never marry a hustler!"

"Oops. Guess we messed that one up!" Judy wipes glitter off her paws.

"So sparkly!" says Wolford.

"The ZPD's very first glitter fox!" laughs Clawhauser.

Nick sneezes out a cloud of glitter. "Good Lord, elephant! Show some restraint!"

"What's up with Wilde?" A crowd of laughing cops gathers around the table.

"Geez, must have lost a bet!"

McHorn sets him on the table, and Clawhauser turns up the volume of "Try Everything" on his phone.

"Now bust a move, Wilde!" Chief Bogo shakes his hips. "That's a direct order!"

Nick pouts, the thousands of specks of glitter stuck in his fur sparkling in the light.

"C'mon! Smile!" Judy holds up her phone. "Everyone back in Bunnyburrow is going to see their Uncle Nick like this!"

Nick grins. "Oh? You think so?" He shimmies his shoulders and waves his paws in circles.

The cafeteria erupts into cheers.

 _Oh oh oh oh oh! Try everything!_

Nick shakes his tail and spins around. "You recording this, Carrots?"

"Every delicious second of it!"

"Wonderful!" He sways his hips and loosens the knot on his tie. Sliding it off his uniform, he tosses the tie into the crowd.

"Should I keep going?" he purrs, licking his lips.

"Yeah!" The cops roar.

Judy looks up from her phone. "Nick, what…"

He unbuttons his shirt, shooting naughty looks to the crowd. "Who wants it?" The crowd cheers. He slips out of his shirt and tosses it up in the air. Francine beats out Officer Grizzoli to catch it.

"Woo hoo! Look at that sexy beast!" She turns to Judy. "Now I see why you married him!"

Wolford whistles. "Take it off, baby, take it off!"

Nick continues to dance, shaking his tail over the edge of the table and brushing Judy in the face with it.

"Nicholas! Are you… _stripping_?!"

"We only said I had to do the tiger dance! We never said clothing was required!"

She puts her paws to her mouth. "Crazy fox! You crazy fox!"

He lifts an eyebrow and unzips his fly. The room explodes with laughter.

 _I'll keep on making those new mistakes..._

Judy puts down her phone and pushes herself up on the table. "Nick! Don't go any further! Please!"

"What, you want me to break a deal? I'm a fox of my word, Carrots!"

"But what if my family sees this?"

"Hmm, that's a bummer! Better delete your video!"

He slinks out of his pants and places them between her ears. The cafeteria goes berzerk.

Judy hops down from the table and covers her eyes. "This is so embarrassing!"

"It is! How am I supposed to be a tiger dancer without sequins on my boxers!"

From the other end of the cafeteria, Dr. Ebbingmaus adjusts his glasses to get a better look at the commotion— a glitter-covered Officer Wilde attempts to breakdance on a table in his underwear.

"Oh my goodness. There we have it— a complete mental and emotional breakdown. I tried my best with you, Mr. Wilde. You can't say I didn't."

He walks off, shaking his head.

* * *

Judy wakes first at a little after 10, the morning light streaming through their window. The Chief approved their request for a day off, so she didn't bother to set the alarm. Bucky and Pronk owe her.

Nick is snuggled behind her as usual, paws around her waist, hugging her into his chest. She likes to joke that what he really needs is a stuffed rabbit. He likes to reply that that seems to be what she needs too.

That bawdy fox's mind! She wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Judy turns over under his limbs and strokes the side of his face. Nick was such a good sport. He hasn't complained once about being gotten.

She runs her finger along his lips, pulling them back to expose his long, sharp molars. "My handsome predator." She kisses the corner of his mouth. "My poor, glitter-covered predator!" Three showers last night barely made a dent in getting it out.

He stirs and pulls her deeper into his chest fur. "The glitter got all over you, too."

"Mm-hmm."

He yawns. She holds her breath to avoid smelling his.

"Nick? Do you think I went too far?"

"With getting me?"

"It was so much fun. But when I freaked you out so bad you had to fox scream— I don't know. It made me feel like a terrible friend."

"I think you went just far enough." He lifts her up to kiss her forehead. "Dr. Ebbingmaus didn't lock me up in the psycho ward, so I made out alright in the end. And don't kid yourself. You're _not_ a terrible friend. You're my crazy bunny."

She rubs the side of her face against his chest. "No hard feelings, Slick?"

"Of course not, Carrots. By the way— when I said you weren't a master conbunny, I was completely off-base. So let's make it official."

He sits up, tapping her shoulder with an imaginary sword. "By the power vested in me by the International Con Artists Union Local 404, I hereby declare that you, Judith L. Hopps, have graduated from apprentice conbunny to master conbunny, and are entitled to all the rights, privileges, and hustles thereof. Use your powers wisely."

She makes a curtsy under the sheets. "Yes, milord."

"In fact…" A smile creeps across his face. "You proved yourself so sly that you also managed to graduate to master con- _fox_."

His smile broadens until he shows his teeth.

Oh, great. He _did_ something.

"What is it, Nick? Tell me."

He only smiles.

Judy springs out of bed. "What did you do? Did it happen already or is it about to happen? You better tell me, fox! You better tell me or it's not going to be good for you!"

"Ah, what a beautiful, peaceful moment! Knowing you've gotten your spouse when she has no idea how. That's what keeps marriages together!"

"Tell me!" She glances around the room— it looks exactly the same as the night before. She feels her body— nothing's changed. She turns around...

Nick roars with laughter. "Oh! It's even better in the daylight!"

Her back. No, her tail!

Judy stands in front of the mirror and looks behind her shoulder. Her jaw drops:

Somehow, without waking her up or spilling a drop of dye on the sheets, Nick colored her tail the exact shades of red and black. Even the blending of colors is perfect.

"Got you! Got you, little confox!"

"How on earth did you… Nicholas!"

She lifts her foot to kick over the bed and send that smug hustler tumbling to the floor. But as he rolls back forth under the sheets in fits of laughter, the sun catches his glitter and scatters the light around the room like a disco ball.

A bunny tail can easily be bleached back to normal. But she's gotten him for a long, _long_ time.

"You!"

Judy jumps on the bed, straddling his waist. She raises her fist to strike his jaw, and he flinches and closes his eyes.

But instead she plants a long, wet kiss right under his nose. When she pulls away, his eyes are wide with shock.

"Got you again!"


End file.
